Our Week at the Ranch

We arrived at the ranch on Monday morning.  From the moment I stepped out of the car, I felt loved.  Let me back up - as we were driving down the quiet road to the ranch I was praising God for what He was doing in our lives.  I prayed and thanked Him.  The scenery was beautiful. 

We began with an intake with Mr. James, our therapist.  He was and still is absolutely fabulous.  Nancy greeted us the moment we stepped out of the car.  She even made us homemade truffles. (for parents only)

 Here the kids are practicing strong sitting.  We do this at home, but I learned a few things more about it.  For example, in the photo below, Ruthie is actually not showing strength.  She is moving her mouth around.  You see strong sitting is sitting like is here.  Straight back, body quiet, eyes straight forward, etc.  The purpose? to help their brains shift from the back part of their head to the front.  Ruthie is showing that her brain definitely hasn't shifted, yet.  People with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) function in a state of fear due to trauma, abuse, and neglect.  The back part of the brain developed stronger than the front.  People without this disorder function with the front part of their brain.  Am I making any sense?Sooooooo, strong sitting helps them shift to the front part and with time, will help their brains develop. Other activities will do the same. 

 Later in the week, after many therapy sessions, we practiced trust falls.

 Here is a Ruthie Sandwich.  She loves it!!!

 We also did trust walks.  Here Ruthie is listening for Daddy's voice and then walking towards him.

 Walking over stumps.

 Joshua's turn - notice he is running. 

 This was crawling through the dragon's tummy.  He was afraid, but with encouragement, he did it.  He was so proud!  And so were we!!

 A trust fall up high at the end! 

 We made apple pies one night for everyone.  This was an opportunity to work as a family.  There was always a therapist nearby if behavior became an issue.  It was a perfect way for Joel and I to practice our therapeutic parenting skills.  Oh, and the pies were a hit with everyone.

 If our kiddos did A plus work on their chores and being respectful they could ride Calypso.  Who what of thought that a huge rocking horse would be such a hit!!!

 This is Miss Karen, on the left, and Nancy Thomas.  Karen was visiting from England and she works with many children there who have the same diagnosis.  Nancy?  I can't say enough good things about here.  She is amazing.  I praise God for her.  She is loving, kind, patient, funny, purposeful, edifying, honest, firm, ....  From the beginning, we kind of bantered back and forth about us living there and helping in someway on the ranch or helping other families.  By the end of the week, we discussed it some.  As we were leaving, Nancy said that she was confident that our paths would cross again.  Joel and I are praying.  We would love to work with her and her team. 

 Supper one night with everyone.  There was one other family there doing the same things we were.  It was amazing to watch the changes in their youngest.  The fact that he is sitting at the table shows that Nancy's methods work.  When this little guy first arrived, he wasn't even allowed out of the car without a therapist.  In this photo, he is polite and respectful.  He even ate by this time. 

One of our last photos taken with Mr. James and Nancy.

Well, that is just a glimpse of what happened. Okay, that was pretty much some of the nice parts.  The ugly and painful stuff has no photos.  And yet there is a beauty about it as well.  Knowing that my children, my husband, and myself were in good hands with years of experience, was healthy. We learned a lot about ourselves, each other, and our childrens past.  I praise God for our time there. Can we go back?

Christmas Happenings

Here is a quick update of our Christmas! Both kids were in the Nutcracker Ballet! 

Ruthie as a rat!  She really gets into character!

During the party scene, they had the opportunity to dance with each other.  It was precious.

Joshua as a trumpeter!

In the near future, we are headed for a week of intensive therapy.  We would appreciate your prayers. 

I apologize that this is so short. I will try to write more at a later date.  Blessings to you and your family. 

Nancy

Yesterday and Today

It started yesterday, more than usual.  "It" as in behavior.  I deal with behavioral issues all day, every day.  It never lets up. There is quiet, calmness, and normalcy at bedtime.  Then, however, I am usually so exhausted that I am toast. 

There are some moments that are calm, but they are when I decide to put in a movie or let them have computer time.  These are rare, of coarse, because according to the experts these activities aren't beneficial for a child who is trying to heal.  Plus, it just isn't relational.

Okay, so Monday, Joshua had what I would call major behavioral issues.  Yesterday and today, Ruthie has been having behavioral issues. I can't recall all of them because there have been so many.  By yesterday afternoon, Joel and I had a decision to make - ballet or not?  Should I take her or should she be home in bed resting?  We have had to decide this many times and I definitely need to figure out what is the best thing to do.  This is tough for many reasons:
1. she loves it
2. in order to truly learn the syllabus and take exams, she needs to be there
3. we committed
4. it is paid for the month

On the other hand, is it the best thing to take her when she can't follow my simple directions? or treat me with honesty and respect? In the end, I ended up taking her. She did fine in class. Not even a simple thank you was said before or after.  The interesting thing is she knew she shouldn't have been there. Tough.

We arrived home and the same attitude/thinking prevailed.  I left. (Thank you, God and Joel for the break)  Joel then dealt with her.  She ate, showered, and went to bed.

This morning it continued.  She was shocked at my new resolve.  I was tougher than ever and I am continuing to be.  (for the moment) As I type this, Joshua is "resting" (due to behavior) and Ruthie is working on strong sitting.  (due to more behavior)  See what I mean?  it doesn't stop - EVER.

So, what do I do? I pray. I also try to have soothing instrumental Christian music playing.  I tell myself to breathe.  I tell myself to talk less. 

Good news is that next week, I am flying to Cheyenne!!! for a conference with Nancy Thomas.  (She is one of the leading experts on this Reactive Attachment Disorder) Yes, I will get away for a couple of days, but the whole time will be focused on them.  It will be nice and, hopefully, I can learn more on how to help our kiddos. I thank God for Joel's airline and hotel points. It makes this doable. 

I guess that is it for now.  Take care and God bless.

Nancy

Birthday Time!!!

Ruthie turned 10 and Joshua turned 7!  I can't believe how much they are growing up.  This year we decided to do something a little non-traditional for their birthdays.  We let each of them choose a restaurant to eat at and they got to choose from the menu. Then about half way between their birthays we went to a place called Makutos Island.  It is an indoor HUGE playscape with fast slides, climbing ladders, etc.  They both also invited a friend to go with us.   In the end, Joshua had to make a friend with someone there.  Can you believe I invited 4 friends and for some reason or another no one could attend?  That was a bummer.  Good news, is that Joshua makes friends easily, so he had no problem.

For their birthday meals, Ruthie chose Benihana's.  She says she loves the food and because they cook it right in front of you.  Joshua chose                 PF Chang's because they have crispy green beans and there are horses by the entrance. 
One reason we chose to celebrate like this is because we didn't want to focus on gifts.  Joel and I purchased each of them a watch for their gift.  (I insisted that the watches were analog, to reinforce telling time in school) They also received cards from grandparents and other family.  Other than that those were the only gifts.  It was good.  You see we have read that it is better to give them experiences, rather than material things.  It is true.  They don't value whatever they have and they simply don't care about it much.  Don't get me wrong there are a few items they wouldn't want to part with. ie. Snowy, Julie, and Katya.  (2 stuffed animals and a doll) Overall, though, they don't care.  This is remnants of their history and their mindset.

We are continuing therapy and I have met with a neuropsychologist for possible assessments.  We are waiting to hear from his office in regards to our insurance. 

Second adoption?  It is still tabled as of now.  I am not sure what is going to happen there.

Other news:
-Joshua has started ballet.  Yep, you read that right.  Teacher student ratio is 3:1.  You can't beat that.  Our purpose in putting him here, is for self-control, discipline, coordination, strength, accountability, .....  He can hardly wait to go back. He is also excited to dance with Ruthie.  I think that is cute, don't you?
-I am using coupons when shopping.  I must admit it is fun to watch the computer screen as it deducts money from the bill. 
-we have switched to a different church.  I will try and address this in a different post.

For now, 
Nancy

Rejected

Nancy

Not too long ago I wrote about my issues with rejection.

Many of you said you could relate. And it got me thinking about parenting children with RAD and how hard it is for someone like me who already struggles with rejection. A child with Reactive Attachment Disorder spends an exuberant amount of time rejecting the people closest to them. Usually the Mom takes the brunt of it. I can tell you I have and continue to take the brunt of the rejection and behavioral issues from our children with RAD.

Two of our children with RAD actually believe that Daddy can do no wrong. They cling to him and love on him like he is God's gift to the world. And then all in the same moment shun me. They break my things. They steal from me. They are cold and unaffectionate towards me. And they spend a great deal of time manipulating me and triangulating my relationship with my husband.

To say that it feels like a slap in the face would be an understatement.

Professionals will tell you that you can't let the behaviors hurt you. That it isn't personal. And that you need to have tough skin when it comes to parenting RAD. All true. Definitely all true. But, it is much easier said then done. It is so very hard to not take their rejection personally. To not wonder what is wrong with you or why it is so hard for them to love you.

I will be the first to admit that I took it very personal for several years. In fact, it hurt me deeply. It is one thing to be rejected by a friend, or a peer, but to be rejected by your own child is a new level of pain that is truly indescribable. It is like nothing I have ever experienced before.

We all go into adoption with the highest of hopes. For me, I couldn't wait to just love on my kids. I was in love with the idea of adoption. I was in love with the photos hung on my fridge. I was in love with children I had never met. I talked about them constantly to anyone who would listen that year we prepared to bring them home. The excitement and anticipation was almost unbearable. I was on cloud nine and all I could think about was getting my babies home and loving on them.

Then reality hit.

No sooner than day one after court.

Rejection.

My daughter didn't want me to do her hair. She didn't want to cuddle in my arms. My son didn't want me to help get him dressed. He didn't want me to hold his hand. They broke the gifts I brought for them. They hugged perfect strangers and charmed the socks off of the other parents in our group. But, they barely wanted to acknowledge me.

The let down was almost debilitating.

This wasn't what I expected. Why didn't anyone tell me this is how they would be? In my mind I thought they would be so happy to have a Mama. Of course I knew there would be challenges. But, I had no idea that they would push me away like this. I had no idea that after such a long wait and so much work to get them home, that I would spend the next three years trying to earn their affection, trying to love children that didn't really want my love.

Interestingly enough, most of the adoptive Mamas I know suffer with rejection issues. Most of us were abandoned by one or both parents. Now, I realize that is a generalization, but from talking to so many adoptive Moms, I am starting to see a pattern. I am starting to see that those of us who were hurt as children desire to help hurting children. It's as if we want to make up for what we lost or couldn't have. I imagine this may seem like a recipe for disaster. The rejected trying to parent the rejected. Yikes.

Yes, it could be a disaster if we let it be.

This is why it is so important to separate the RAD from the child. In essence you have to separate the hurt from the behavior. It isn't easy. Trust me, I know. But, I know that in order to love my children, I had to not allow their rejection of me to hurt me. Why you ask? Why not be hurt? After all, these are my children who are outright pushing me away!

Well, because the natural reaction of someone who has been rejected and hurt is to reject and hurt.

Step parents know this better than anyone else. If you are trying to parent a child who has been hurt by their biological parent, you know that child is going to reject you. You know that child is going to fight you and push you away. How do I know? Well because I had a step Dad. And trust me, I spent most of my time rejecting him. I was too hurt by my Dad to let this guy move in and take his place.

Our adopted children feel the same way, except on a much deeper level.

The rejected reject.

If you have struggled with rejection in your life and now find yourself parenting a child that is rejecting you, your natural inclination is going to be to reject them right back. Your natural reaction is going to be to push them away. The last thing on earth you are going to feel like doing is pursuing their love.

And this is where a very bad, very destructive pattern occurs for parents parenting a child with RAD.

Not only is your child rejecting you, you are now rejecting your child.

I get it. I totally get it. I was there. I literally thought to myself, well they don't want anything to do with me, so why should I even bother trying. Why should I keep putting myself out there when they are going to just continually hurt me? It is easier for me if I just don't even bother. If I just go through the motions and never get close.

Have you been there?

Maybe you are there right now.

I want you to stop and think about the people in your life that rejected you. Perhaps it was your Mom or your Dad. Maybe it was a friend or a family member. Maybe it was your peers in school. All of us have been rejected by someone in our lives. Maybe it was even your spouse.

Now I want you to think about how things may have been different. What if a wonderful step parent came into your life and was able to help you heal? What if a new friend came along who was willing to stick with you and make you feel like you can trust again? What if after being abandoned by your spouse you met someone who loved you and was committed in ways your first spouse was not?

Of course at first you are going to push these people away. Of course initially you are going to question their motives. You will lack trust and you may even reject them at first before they can reject you. It may take years even for you to feel safe, for you to truly let your walls down with them. You may constantly feel insecure. And the tiniest thing may set you off. You may constantly live in fear. Because of my Daddy issues, my husband understands this more than most. I spent the first three years of our married life convinced he would leave me. I still am so insecure. I still get fearful. He has to reassure me often.

Our adopted children are in the same boat. But their feelings are magnified 1000x over. They live in this place of fear, mistrust, and rejection DAILY. And even if they had the most loving birth parents, the rejection they feel cannot be comprehended. It consumes them to the point that having a healthy relationship with anyone can seem impossible.

Then we swoop in. And we believe our love will save the day.

How very.... ummmm.... gallant of us.

More like naive.

If you expect your child to feel safe and to feel secure and to be able to love you fully, you better get your battle gear on. You better get your big girl undies on. Because this is going to be a full on battle. And believe it or not, our kids want us to fight for their love. They are so terrified of it, so engulfed in fear and pain, they will do just about anything to keep you from getting to their hearts. And if you want that.... if you truly want it with everything you have in you.....

You are going to have to fight for it.

It will be the fight of your life. You are going to get weary and at times you will wonder if you can even keep going. You will question if you will ever get there, if you will ever earn a place in their hearts. At times you may see glimpes of healing. It may seem like they are letting you in, and then just like that, the smallest thing will make them run like hell. It is truly a battle..... a battle for their hearts.

And it is not for the weak.

It took me having to take a long, hard look at my own heart, my own issues, to really be able to understand why my children are the way they are. There is a reason that those of us who were rejected are the ones who find ourselves parenting these children. I believe it is because God knew in the end we were going to be the ones who got them. We were the ones who were going to truly understand to our very core what they feel and how they hurt. For me, when I finally set aside my feelings and truly could see that their behavior was only a reaction to rejection, it changed how I parent them. It changed how I saw them, and it gave me the strength to fight for them.

God appointed you for this task. He knew that only you could do this. Believe that. Believe that nothing you are doing for your child is in vain. Believe that He allowed things in your life, so that one day, you would be the one to reach the hurting places of a very broken child's heart. Get ready for the battle. You can do this. YOU CAN DO THIS. If I can, so can you.

"Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

God will use you where you are weak. He chose YOU, the rejected, to love the rejected.

Yee! Haw! Saddle Up Your Horses!! It's a Vacation!!!

Here are the kiddos and I at the Denver History Museum. Great view of the city in the background! and after being in the desert for so long it was wonderful to see all of the green. We had a blast at the museum! In science, we are finishing up studying the human body, so we took advantage of the science lab. The kids had fun making their own slides and checking out microscopes. We would have loved spending more time here, but I suppose the workers do want to go home. One of Ruthie and Joshua's favorite activities while on vacation was helping Grandpa. My folks live in an area where there are alot of trees. The pine trees are continually dropping pine needles and pine cones. The kids loved using rakes, shovels, and, especially the wheelbarrows in helping Grandpa.Lit'l Bit was one of the first to saddle up a horse. He didn't care for the cowboy hat much, but tolerated it just for the photo shoot. Cute, huh?You will notice in this photo, that they are now wearing glasses. Yep! They are ready for anything western. Joshua thinks he is the sheriff, notice the badge on his shirt.One of the things I was determined to do on this trip was take the kids to a cave. Well, the cave just so happened to have a zipline. I was pumped! I love ziplines! Sometimes I just feel the need for speed. My sister-in-law and I give it a thumbs up.Joshua and Joel had a screamin' good time. Ruthie and her cousin, Reata gasped and giggled all the way through the fun! Aside from all of those activities though, I asked both of them what they loved the most. They both said spending time together with all of our family and riding horses. You will notice that Grandpa is in control here. It was great for both of our kids to ride. They thought they had control, but I think they realized they didn't. Perfect. I may check into horse therapy for this very reason.This was a typical scene while we were there. The kids running around with excitement. I loved that they actually had the space to run and just be kids. It was great for all of us.

Ballet, Bunnies, and Bikes

Recently, Ruthie completed her second Royal Academy of Dance exam. She worked hard and it is so good for her. We are now waiting for the results to come in. Miss Kelly praying for her students before they enter the exam room.

Rosie, Samantha, Corinne, and Ruthie in their character skirts after the exam.

While waiting for their turn in the exam room, the girls show us a little of what they learned.

Happy Easter! a little late, I know. However, here are a few photos from our Resurrection celebration!

Hey! where did this third bunny come from?

We aren't proponents of the Easter bunny, but we did color some Easter eggs. Besides coloring the edible ones we all participated in coloring some paper ones. I then hung them in the kitchen for all to enjoy! I have saved them, so maybe next year I will put them back up. Joel even colored one and it was fun for all of us!

We have been getting out with our bikes quite a bit this spring. This was a photo of all of us in the middle of one of our biking adventures. The kids are learning bike etiquette, safety rules, and having a blast! We are enjoying spending time together in this way. Besides it is so healthy for all of us! Yea!

On another note: we are are trudging ahead. Some days better than others. We finally received the paperwork and have dropped it in the mailbox for San Diego State. So, now we just wait to hear from them.

Second adoption? jury is still out on that one.

Trying to keep the faith,

Nancy